Watching films are a passion but even this love has its limits.
It’s those long winding boring films which gets the goat of every film buff and moviegoer. Brevity in films should be made compulsory – set a loose time limit, say not exceeding about two hours, to save the audiences’ ear and eyesight.
But the dear makers of films sometimes behave like a child let loose in an amusement park.
They waste reel after reel on insignificant things like 15-minute songs, weak or vulgar comedy, listless staring into space, flesh shows gigantic proportions which wouldn’t turn on anyone, fights which go beyond their expiry date and senseless emotional scenes where the masculine, hairy hero tries hard to cry for 10 minutes and ends up looking like a joker.
Our dear producers and directors in Bollywood want everything – thrills, chills, romance and drama – all stirred in a pot in unequal proportions without giving the overall product a damn.
This leads to long melodramas with many songs. Of course there are some fine directors who keep their movies within edible and sensible limits.
But many lose their way and make up the plot as they go along.
So when you come across a film called Tere Khoon, Chamde ki Kasam or Mere Sindhoor ka Badla then be prepared.
Here are some tips to tackle these epic dramas:
Silence: Silence is golden inside a theatre. Remember there are others there who have paid good money to see the film and let them enjoy it. So whatever you do within the three hours five minutes inside the theatre should not be noisy.
Food for thought: Keep plenty of popcorn, peanuts and chewing gum to keep your jaws occupied. A bellyful of eats may help you stomach a bit of the nonsense happening on screen. It will also help the time go faster.
Count: This is an exercise for the brain and it can be very distracting. Add up numbers like 12837 with 6532211 and find the result. Make it more complicated and suddenly you are onto a game which will sharpen the grey cells which have been idle since the turn of the century.
Alphabets: No, don’t laugh. You were grounded in it since you were two. But here is a puzzler. Start backwards and see how far you can go. It is tough isn’t it?
Spot Mistakes: A movie made over three hours by gluing together some set pieces will have mistakes. Spot and count them. It is fun.
Own Plot: Try adding your own masala to some of the sequences and imagine how the movie will be.
Dance Sequences: The songs with lyrics such as You are my playboy and I am your toy doll..” may not interest you at all. So watch those lovely sideys who accompany the protagonists in the dance and their expressions as they keep up with actors. They are cute and funny. This will help you pass at least 12 minutes per song.
Match: Mix and match the clothes which the protagonists wear. Give them a gold there or a green here and imagine the effects.
Coughing/Sneezing: Count the number of people coughing or sneezing in the theatre. You will find the number amazing. You can segregate them according to age and sex too.
Take a Nap: The final solution. The air-conditioned movie hall is ideal for short snatches of sleep. Here is your chance to catch up with forty (more likely 120 given the size of the film) winks and work away that hangover obtained over nine days of binge drinking. But don’t snore. There are others watching too.