Monika’s Musings: Life in the Big Apple

June 10, 2016

When I first moved to the US, I was in two minds. I did not want to hang with the desi crowd and get typecast. I wanted to meet other people, learn about different ways of life and hanging with Indians would not allow me to do that. On the other hand, my job was such I dealt mainly with Indians. I decided to embrace my Indian identity and go with the flow. In any case, my family in the US was also Indian and some of my closest friends in the US are all Indians. I told myself to abandon my preconceived ideas and choose the path I was hoping to avoid. Initially I was enthusiastic. My Indian connections opened up doors for me and I realised only a desi would help a desi. My uncle’s friend’s son or my friend’s aunt or my cousin’s friend, the list went on and on. I met people. I started making connections. I met many Indians through work. But slowly a realisation dawned.

There is an Indian clique and it is not easy to break through. Apart from my family and those friends I already had, new people were fine at a superficial level but never made the effort to take the relationship further. Maybe living in New Jersey without a car makes meeting up difficult but I could not fathom this. I spoke to many people and got varying answers.

My cousins who are born and raised in the US said this is a phenomenon among Indians in America who come from India. There is a network of shared backgrounds such as schools, neighbourhood and cities. My Indian friends who have lived here for over thirty years said life is too hectic. Everyone is busy with work, home, kids etc. and distances are too great to meet often. Weekends get planned way in advance and social life generally takes place around weekends. Indians born here like my cousins, are more American in their attitude and find they cannot identify with Indians from India.

I figured New York city, the city that never sleeps, would be different. You meet people all through the week. But the Indian New Yorkers I met fit into all the above categories. They do not have time to meet. There is a definite sense of snobbery. If you are not famous and established, the door is closed. You need to have a well-known and legitimate introduction into groups. I volunteered for an Indian film festival thinking I would make connections with the desi community but I was surprised at the lack of interest in me. Maybe the festival was a wrong place because people are busy. But even during the slow period, I found a lack of interest in who I am and why I am in the US. I questioned my ego. Maybe I give out the vibes of aloofness and my background in India has afforded me a certain snobbery. I am generally a friendly person and did not think of myself as a snob so this was a reality check.

In any case, my social life is not lacking because the flow of traffic from India is so heavy, I do not have time to meet anyone else. I am forever meeting people from India visiting New York City. And there is a Pune network in New York so it is good to meet up with them and talk about home. I decided to shrug my shoulders about the Indian Americans and simply move on. Life is too short to hark down the wrong path.

And then I met non-Indians. I went to a random dinner among work colleagues where I knew no one and took a chance. They were all embracing, spent time with me. They were curious and we formed an instant bond. I was blown away. Maybe I was looking the wrong way all this time. Maybe my original premise was valid.

Now it is time for another move. I leave my two years with family in New Jersey and embark on a new journey in a Brooklyn studio. Who knows where this road will lead me. Stay tuned for more on this desi’s adventures in the Big Apple.

Monika Patel – Monique to her friends – is now a permanent resident of New York City, but her heart is permanently in our city, her home for 28 years. Monika’s Musings will appear every Friday on Pune365.