What?!! You are not on Facebook? What world are you living in? We grumbled and chided our childhood pal Mona. Secretly we all wondered about the futility of the 50 odd pictures she had animatedly captured as we glamorously posed.
Once this shocking revelation was made known to all, other well meaning friends wielded their cell phones and did their bit to cover up the “awkward” situation. After all, we all had one thing in common. We could say, Mere paas Facebook hai!
Come on, who doesn’t like Facebook. We all love our friends, don’t we? It’s like saying if you are not connected, you don’t have friends. Wakey! Even Hitler had friends!
I logged on this morning and saw Ms. Pasted Smile had uploaded a picture captioned: “With darling hubby, the man of my dreams”. I moved on after giving it the obligatory Like. These two occupy my Facebook feed on a daily basis. Just a few days ago, they had uploaded 16 pictures of their anniversary, a few similar ones in various angles, every gift that was exchanged, along with the treats doled out to their Labrador in honor of their big day.
It’s online entertainment. Though truth be told, a large lot of your Facebook friends don’t really care about you and some don’t even know you. But it often does not matter as long as you can pack in your daily dose of trivia.
I’ve been on virtual holidays with folk, got a peek into birthday celebrations, graduations and baby showers. I’ve seen pictures of meals served in various homes and restaurants, known when my boss had a cold, admired folk and scoffed at show offs. I’ve seen miraculous cures for cancer, just by clicking Like. I’ve even had a peek into peoples’ flared nostrils in bad attempts at selfies.
Oh and nostalgia. The wistful unparalleled joy of grad school friends digging out 24 inch waistline pictures of you from a bygone era, while you sipped 50 paise chai at the Symbiosis college canteen a quarter century ago.
Had a real life fallout with someone? “Online katti” is the answer! Go ahead and delete. Off with his “friendship”. As easy as that!
Facebookville is a happy land and Facebookers are largely a well meaning lot. Hours are spent whiling away time with the “I’m better than thou” smug look on faces, as posterior bases are widened in Dreamland. Don’t bother reading the fine print of status messages if they are over 3 lines, nobody would be the wiser. Click the obligatory “Like” and move on to the next. It’s much like wearing your large designer sunglasses that we so happily pose in. Nobody can figure what you are looking at and who you are stalking. Reading status updates can be both entertaining and informative and sometimes so ridiculously insane that you may think you’ve logged onto Faecesbook!
I don’t post my meals on Facebook, but that does not mean we don’t eat food! I’m actually awaiting the moment when my doorbell rings and my neighbour brings in his dinner fare, only to show me what his pretty wife has cooked since his internet is down.
Till now we assumed that there was no such thing as a perfect relationship. Well, check again. Log on and you will see Marriages are perfect, friendships out of the ordinary, children are over achievers and dogs are the cats’ whiskers. Speaking of dogs and cats, you dare say anything about them for fear of offending their owner. Plus those sugar syrup and saccharine messages by couples proclaiming undying love for their current love interest. I’ve always wondered when they go silent and gushing updates abruptly stop. It’s obvious they don’t care for our feelings and I think in all fairness they need to let us know. After all we need closure too, don’t we?
Liking something on Facebook is all about being politically correct. Imagine if somebody had to guts to ask you, “what the heck, you didn’t like my post”?… “Oh well, Dude I don’t even like you”!
“Go!” would be the trending word for numerous online Pokemen and Pokewomen. What a riot it would be if Mark Z could get a little more creative and add let users click on what parts of the body they wish to poke. Ouch!
So when Mr. Golden Nugget with light eyes and a threadbare moustache sent me a friend request I did a double take. Did he know we balked at him in real life as we watched him delve into the deep crevices of his nose till he attained nirvana? Apparently not! I declined his “fransheep”. I certainly did not want him with his psychedelic glares and Charagh Din shirt, privy to my life.
Checking in to various locations is the norm today. Over the last week I’ve observed check in’s that have ranged from 5 star hotels, pubs and restaurants to top ranking B-schools. One of my acquaintances had even tagged herself on a street corner and summarized her observation of roadside expletives. But honestly, I’m waiting for the day when I log on and see this update: Bladder Hell! Ms. Pointy Red heels checked into the local club toilet.
Psst… Point to note: Folk who post their meals on Facebook eat cold food!
Quintessentially Puneite, Nikhila now lives in New York, but that doesn't stop her from coming back to enjoy a good drink and celebrate this city she calls home