There are certain things, dear reader, that you can take for granted where I am concerned. I will be, as a rule, genial, easy-going and affable, for example. I will be exceedingly happy to talk endlessly about books and movies.
Restaurants in Pune is a topic that can keep me occupied for hours (as it should. What other topic could possibly be of more importance?).
With the passage of time, however, there are certain things that have changed where the undersigned is concerned. The prospect of a bike ride, for instance, no longer gladdens the heart. Cheap whiskey is no longer tolerated.* And these days – and this brings us to the topic du jour – I think I prefer vegetarian food to chicken.
There was a time when such a thought would have been considered blasphemous. A meal consisting of meat (any meat!) was always to be preferred to a meal that was without.
But today, with the benefit of years of pigging out, I have had to revise my opinion. Chicken, ladies and gentlemen, sucks.
Insipid, bland and tasteless, chicken is a meat that carries no personality of its own. It doesn’t bring to a dish its own particular stamp of authority, relying on other spices and condiments to do the job. This adds to its versatility, no doubt (and the Puneri in me appreciates its price), but give me any other meat over chicken, and I’ll accept. Except for turkey, of course, which makes even chicken look great, but don’t get me started.
Succulent pork ribs, a well made mutton curry, a nice juicy beef steak are all dishes to be applauded as much for the meat itself as they are for their seasonings – but what, pray, is attractive about a chicken thigh without a liberal coating of tandoori masala? What is a tender chicken breast by itself?
I had this moment of realization when I, well, realized that I actually prefer the curry in a chicken curry to the chicken itself.
That is, if you gave me a choice between the meat and the rassa, I’d probably pick the latter when it came to chicken.
But take the pork out of a pandhi curry, sir, and consider yourself warned: we are at war.
What really gets my goat, however, is how chicken has started creeping into dishes that it has absolutely no business being involved in. I can, If I’m in a truly good mood, tolerate a chicken biryani. If push comes to shove, I’ll live with a chicken burger. But what, pray enlighten, is a chicken seekh kabab? Should a civilized society allow chicken kheema to exist?
How can people live in a society that tolerates a slice of chicken ham – whatever that might be?
Why, if we aren’t careful, we’ll soon be living in a world of non-alcoholic beers and low fat ice-creams.
And don’t you go and try to tell me that these things already exist. Not in my world, they don’t, and I intend to keep things that way, thank you very much.
*The word cheap here is meant to be interpreted as referring to quality, not price.
He doesn't expect the paradox to be resolved in his lifetime
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