I was at ‘Burger’ the other day.
Those of you who are not familiar with the exotic breed that is the Puneri shopkeeper might experience a moment of confusion upon reading that sentence. On the other hand, those of you who are battle hardened veterans when it comes to living life in this fair metropolis will, no doubt, have had no problems in making sense of this statement.
There has been, you see, for many years now in Pune an establishment that serves burgers of a particularly lip-smacking variety.
It used to call itself Burger King, and was frequented by Puneris who didn’t mind a spot of cholesterol on their tickers. With the advent of the American chain of the same name imminent, however, the owners were hit with a Rename Immediately Or Else order.
Now, other commercial establishments the world over might have spent hours agonizing over what the new name should be, and loss of brand value and what not.
Not your typical Puneri owner though. He simply put cellotape over the word “King” and carried on.
Burger has been a bit of an icon with Puneris. Vegetarians or meat eaters, both swear by the food available at their two branches; one is at East Street and the other at Koregaon Park. Each Puneri has his or her own favourite, and like so many other folks in the city, mine would have to be the Steak Burger.
Now, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I take my grub seriously. Eating is, according to Kulkarni’s Dictionary of Life, the raison d’etre of living.
It is why we evolved over time into humans, because we could take more seriously the business of eating. So take it from me when I say that the Steak Burger at Burger used to be the pinnacle of burgers. I’ve had them in other places in India, and I’ve had them abroad, and nobody made ‘em like Burger made ‘em.
Nobody.
And so it was that this last Sunday saw your favourite columnist traipsing down East Street, visions of the Steak Burger dancing merrily in front of his eyes. He reached the establishment, climbed up the stairs, waited patiently for his turn at the counter, and requested for a Steak Burger when the time came. There may have been a spot of saliva dripping down his chin by then, or there may have not.
Difficult to say, but I will not deny experiencing feelings akin to extreme avarice and lust.
“Steak band ho gaya hai”, said the person on the other side of the counter.
Have you seen Independence Day? Do you remember the scene where the guy who’s been abducted by the aliens tries to fire his missiles, but they’re jammed?
You can see the utter befuddlement on the guy’s face before he squares his shoulders and tries again.
And so it was with me. I gathered myself, and tried again.
“Ek steak burger, please”.
“Steak band ho gaya hai”, was, once again, the pitiless response.
I don’t remember the exact sequence of events after, so great was my shock. Some kind folks must have scraped my jaw off the floor and reattached it to my face, and maybe somebody coaxed my broken spirit back out into cruel reality, but the details are a dull, hazy memory.
Pune without steak burgers from Burger King? That’s like Delhi with polite drivers, or Mumbaikars with humility.
I don’t know for sure the reason for those steak burgers not being available anymore, but I (and you, dear reader) can no doubt make a pretty good guess. And while this column isn’t, and hopefully never will be, about politics and sordid reality – P.G. Wodehouse’s dictum about writing by ignoring the real world altogether is one I strive to write by – I must protest and mourn the passing of one of Pune’s iconic dishes.
The steak burger is no more, and our city is the poorer for it.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the truth, no matter how you slice the dhokla.
He doesn't expect the paradox to be resolved in his lifetime
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