I fell in love with this girl in the dandiya-raas last year and now I can’t locate her..

Illustrations by Suraj Lokare

Sir,I fell in love with this girl in the dandiya-raas last year and now I can’t locate her. We had a soft drink together every night, and I realised later that she has junked the phone number she had given me. And now I can’t locate her in the same dandiya. This is real KLD – Kaput Love (at) Dandiya!

Ya man, I know how this feels. I keep seeing lovely babes and hunks, get their numbers (with great difficulty) and then realise I have a wrong number! But some of us never learn, do we?

I know this KLD stuff man. Torture of the highest order. Those tense moments waiting for the prospective partner for the dandiya night.. Then the what-is-your-mobile-number bit and then the casual flinging of the hands wielding the dandiyas. Oooh,  what times baby!

And then you whisper into the ear and all. Because the music is too loud being the perennial excuse. The whiff of the heady perfume, slight cheek stuff and all. Full romance. But all this is basically seasonal so it’s best not to build those castles or wadas in the air. Just come down to earth, handsome. Plenty of sightseeing to do, but behave ok. I don’t like these ruffian types, ok?!

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: What’s wrong with you my handsome hunk? Why you so hung up on that girl? The whole point of dandiya being held year on year is that. Bonhomie, slight romance and major KPD.

Dr Know, do you think my not doing very well in life is okay for my girlfriend to dump me? As in, love should go beyond the lure of lucre and such things like career, etc? Also, why can’t I play second-fiddle to the lady?

No, my dear, it isn’t okay at all. In fact she shouldn’t have got you into her life in the first place! Who the hell wants a loser and stuff like that. Life is to be enjoyed and that needs money. If my man can’t get in the moolah, he is just another appendage in my life. Off you go my macho man. Scam, scoot and get the hell out of here!

Tsk, Tsk. outrageous isn’t it? Well, that is your Dr Know! Politically incorrect each and every time but knows. And knows a lot! So, grin and bear this my dear… And now to come back to your question: yes, love should go beyond all that and love is blind too right? Well, for the fiddle, you can play the second-fiddle or harp for all that I care, but is it going to get you beyond your own orchestra?

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: Grow up, kid! Be a man for a change. If she wants to call it quits, she doesn’t deserve an earnest boy like you. She ought to think beyond the current scenario. If she doesn’t have faith in your abilities as your girlfriend, you’re better off without her as a wife!

Thank your stars, move on and focus on your craft and the career and pretty women will follow. There is a time for everything. Chin up handsome. You’re a good guy!

My wife is a cleanliness-freak, and I got to know it the night after we got married. On our suhaag raat. So even then she wanted to fold her clothes properly. Uggh-a-bai! Doc, er, Mr Know, am I over-reacting? Can she not take a chill pill and chill?


Correct! You’re right indeed. Chill pill, OCD medication etc are imperative for her. I suggest an urgent consult with our 365 chaps’ inhouse shrink. Am sure he will set her right in no time.

I wouldn’t risk asking if she folded her clothes before and after your suhaag raat… but this is one organised affair I say! I can imagine the physical and psychological agony you underwent when the clothes were being neatly folded (separate piles?) on that fateful night.

Ooooh la la.. Whatte passionate life you will have ahead! Much folding, and cleaning will happen day after day.. And when your baby is born, the nappies will be there too neatly folded and ready. Just be sure you know one pile from the other darling. I wish you much success and hygienic days ahead.

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: Hey handsome, jokes apart, if this is the extent of her fetish, it may be a good idea to have her checked. She may just be suffering from a mild OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which may need medical intervention. She may be doing all this without realising what is happening and thus it would help intervening and remedying this before it gets worse.

The need to be extra-organised and going about repetitive tasks such as cleaning etc may be symptoms of OCD and should not be ignored. And don’t worry yourself for all such ailments are completely curable with the right medical attention. She will be fine soon and you can have a peaceful replay of your suhaag raat. To hell with the clothes! All the best darling.

Hey, we have suddenly realised that we fell in love with each other over the phone – over texting and while talking. But when we meet each other, we feel very uncomfortable. We are very fidgety. How do we get rid of this uneasiness and get real?

Oh that’s easy, just continue to talk on the phone while you’re with her. Just take one of those unlimited call packs and keep chatting away. If the call drops, look at her smile and hit redial.

She will do the same and soon you will be looking at each other and trying to dial. Now this can be very frustrating and will normally lead to both of you talking even when the phone isn’t dialling. You have just crossed Level 1.

Level 2 is easier, sit next to her and hold her hand, keep the palm open and tell her that you are going to read her palm. Now this is an old one but it’s useful since you will get used to her body temperature and can give her paracetamol etc if she has a fever. Loving and caring go hand in hand. If she doesn’t feel warm, continue to hold her hand. Look up at her eyes once in a while. I know you’re waiting for Level 3, but that’s when I stop giving free advice. You can inbox me for a private consult on chargeable basis.

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: What a wimp you are! Fidgeting and stuff is normal and you will be doing that for the rest of your life and there is sweet nothing you can do about that. The challenge is to convert the fidgetiness to togetherness. Haven’t you heard of dancing and stuff together ? This is similar. Fidget together, shrug shoulders together, and do everything else together.

For a start, stop trying so hard. You will get comfortable soon as long as both of you genuinely care. Just be yourself, forget any pretence and be good! All the best, dear!

On that caring note, I must say my goodbyes for the week my sweetie pies, honey-kins and sugar plums.. Be good, and keep eating all those heavenly desserts.. And when the stomach aches, just add another ‘A’ in your diet. ‘A’ for Ajwain… ‘B’ for bull.. Now, will you stop reading this rubbish and mall me those exciting questions on editorial@pune365.com (just make it clear that its for Dr Know ) and I will do the gig.