How To Hobnob With Snobs

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I believe that there is nothing better than spending an evening at a renowned club with a snob of your choice. Now don’t get me wrong.  I am not passing judgement on humanity or rashly calling a type of individual a snob.

But you have to admit – there are snobs galore in the society we live in.

How could one describe a snob?  The dictionary states that they are a breed of individuals with an exaggerated respect for high social position or wealth, seeking to associate with social superiors and looks down on those regarded as social inferiors.

These people are not easy to deal with, mind you. They make you feel like a frog or some creepy creature with just a lift of the eyebrows or a stare which will make you feel cheap and small.

As a first step, it would be advisable to stand in front of the mirror and check every part of your body and clothing. Note any discrepancies in the mug can lead to a cold dinner with conversation reduced to the weather and trivia with long silences. Make sure you are body perfect, without hair sticking out of the nose or ears more suited to monkeys.

Make sure nails are cut, the socks not stinking to high heaven and the shoes well shined that you can see your reflection.

Ah, the clothes. You are best advised to check every detail regarding crease, fall, and other “niceties about how a well-dressed should be”. Once satisfied with the Body Proper, take time to check for bad breath. Take a peppermint anyway. Now that you have done the hard bit, concentrate on your greeting.

Just a Hi or Hello won’t do. That is too cold, casual and almost callous.

Spot her first, and without putting pressure, hug appropriately and go muah, muah. Then it is imperative that you say “Darling, It’s been ages. Am glad we could make it.”

Give a firm handshake to the man and try not to put a friendly hand to the shoulder. Make sure you open the door for her and the man, whispering about the ambience of the club or restaurant. Pull their chairs out first for them to sit.

That done, avoid politics as far as possible and talk about the latest clothes, high-end cars and the new iPhone. That gets the conversation going. Avoid cerebral talk and philosophy, as it may get them to rack their brains and concur with you even if you are wrong.

Make sure you recommend a new dish at another first-class restaurant. Discussion on topics such as food makes things move. Don’t forget to flatter them and recommend a new salon which you heard was very good.

Get them started but don’t expect a “feast of reason and flow of soul”, as the poet Alexander Pope said. Let them talk about buying a penthouse, the new BMW or talk about the merits and demerits of a European holiday, or shopping in New York. Shake the old knob profusely.

Time will fly and you will learn a lot about the Life Luxury. Always ask for an exotic dessert to stamp your class on the meal. Let them walk out first and open the door for them. Suggest a dinner from your side on a later date. But be smart enough to let the later date be much later in life.

Instead treat yourself to an electronic item which you always wanted to buy and never had the money for it.

Have a stiff drink and give yourself 95 marks out of 100 for coming out creditably.

Babu Kalyanpur

Babu Kalyanpur, ( Consulting Editor) has rich experience in both sports and business journalism. Babu has led news desks in Pune and Bahrain and writes extensively on his passion, sports and business besides current affairs and matters of importance to Pune.

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