Forking Your Meal To Death



Before proceeding any further on this pet subject of mine, I must confess at the start itself that I am a fork snob.

These little implements which assist you in successfully reaching the mouth from the plate are grossly misused. It pains me to see the fork used in every which way instead of the right one. I don’t mind which hand you use it with, but for God’s sake use it correctly.

It is not a weapon to destroy the food before consuming it. If you use it in the correct manner then it makes eating so much easier.

It pleases me when I see a person using it properly, held between thumb and second finger with the first finger placed ahead to give grip and finesse. Unfortunately, there are many who grip it horribly wrongly and send shivers up my spine and raise the blood pressure to bursting point.

Yes, there are many grips on the fork which have made me bitter to the core.

Take the Pen-Handle Grip. I believe this is very useful while playing table-tennis. It is effective in playing shots in front of the body.

But apply that on to a fork and a horror story unfolds. That five-finger grip in the middle somewhere and quick stabbing motion from upwards to downwards would do a serial killer proud. Bah! Why does one have to suffer this! May the Good Lord forgive these Murderers of the Meal.

The there is the Angular Grip. This entails holding the fork in front but at an angle of say 117 degrees.  But these deft operators still manage to shovel food despite this unbelievable angle.

The Reverse Grip is even more difficult. This means tucking into the meal in exactly the opposite direction to the angle which should be used. It’s similar to eating with chopsticks.

And one must not forget those wonderful fellows who have found a unique method altogether.

The fork can easily be used to tuck the food into the spoon where the comfort zone lies. So use the fork to cut, slice or whatever and slide it into the spoon and eat. Easy, voila!

Oh damn, damn and double damn. Why do I have to see this?

We are Indians. It is perfectly acceptable to use our fingers to eat. We don’t need to use a fork if we can’t do so properly. Eating a nice, crisp dosa with a fork is, of course, is the ultimate. Watch the drama unfold as every bit of this delicacy is broken to bits with every stab of the fork.

The dosa disintegrates, falls outside the plate and wriggles like a slippery frog.

Use the hands my man, use the hands. You can’t eat a crisp dosa with a fork.



#The views expressed in this column are the authors.


Babu Kalyanpur

Babu Kalyanpur

Babu Kalyanpur, ( Consulting Editor) has rich experience in both sports and business journalism. Babu has led news desks in Pune and Bahrain and writes extensively on his passion, sports and business besides current affairs and matters of importance to Pune.
Babu Kalyanpur