My girlfriend snores. I love her, but I also love my sleep

Please don’t poke fun at me for asking this question, but are you male or female. That will help me asking my question. If it helps, I am female, and I think males will not be able to appreciate my sentiments.

Aww you poor thing! I can’t discuss female things with these men eh?

Darling, what gives you the impression that Dr Know is just one human being? It could be two or more,right? In fact we would have liked to say Dr Knows but then it sounds like Nose.

Baby, I think it’s time we spill the beans… the real story is that Dr Know comes from a distant planet called Pluto where there is no male and female, only ‘cocktale’. Now don’t get me wrong here, darling. We just enjoy the great weather and those satellite thingies that go wrong and land here. Awesome food you earthlings send up in space!

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: Don’t worry baby, feel free to ask me anything, be it buying a new tee to, ah well, the Copper-T.

After all, I am Dr Know and knowing the answers is my biz!

Dr Know, how much fragrance or perfume is decent to wear on a formal occasion. And which EDT/perfume would you recommend I buy for my husband whose birthday falls on July 4?

Sweetie, this also depends on your perspiration level. Sweat it out? Then you jolly well use a little more of that cologne! Otherwise a good 2-3 sprays is more than enough to last you the day..

So the husband is a loyal American born on the 4th of July! (India mein kya kar raha hai bro?) Is he a smoker (I hope not!!!!)? or was one? You could give him a nice masculine fragrance from the past like ‘Tabac’. It’s richly male, has a faint tobacco whiff and is positively magnetic. Ask me, I can’t keep myself from those hot old hunks who wear Tabac.

He will love it. It’s not one of those new ones that are insanely loud in every way. This is just Man! Period.

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: Since you ask. There is no measure of the right amount of fragrance to be used before an occasion since it also depends on the fragrance and the kind of outfit its getting sprayed onto. As a thumb rule. light cottons absorb the most hence the less the better. Suits and formal wear normally are blends and hence need a wee bit more.

Two-metered sprays are normally enough for the waist above. Formal occasions and collared outfits are adorned with Eau De Toilette under the lapel, and at shoulder level. This also takes care of all the lovely hugs that you give and get at the fancy parties.. Mwah-Mwah occasions.

My girlfriend and I have been living in for a few weeks and I am so glad I did that. Because I find that she snores while sleeping and I just don’t get sleep with a someone who’s snoring. I love her, but I also love my sleep. What should I do, Dr Know?

Living in sin you mean darling? Very ‘daring type’ you kids have become huh? No wonder these Pune365 people have a gynaecologist to share editorial space with me. Tsk Tsk!

Love is above all this, my dear. Haven’t you heard people saying “love is blind”? Actually let me tell you that love is not only blind but also meant to be deaf! Got the drift? Just plug your ears (do this only once she’s fallen asleep. Advisable to buy ‘Speedo” ear plugs) and enjoy the snooze.

Admire beauty and not worry about the snoring. Enjoy the love in the air and not the lack of sleep. Who knows what she hears when you’re asleep? ‘Let snoring girls lie’.

Visualise yourself listening to a concert in the backyard of a rail station. This way, her snoring will become artistic in your perception. Simple isn’t it?

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: It may be advisable to get her some snoring strips or a local spray which will help diffuse the sound as well as prevent sleep apnoea. This is the bigger danger with people who snore a lot and hence using You may also want to look online at a store similar to CPAP Direct which could help you find a snoring aid for your loved one.

anti-snoring aids is sensible. Or else live out, not live In!

Everytime I wear sleeveless, I find that there are people checking out my armpits. Am I imagining things or is it natural for people do a bit of a check-out and I shouldn’t feel offended?

Oh dearie.. What a pit-y! This is so unfortunate. All those sleeveless tops will go to waste at this rate. Nah nah.. Don’t worry about all these lecherous types staring at your underarms. They don’t mean a thing. It’s just this male thing about crevices and pits, be it cherries, golf or otherwise. Ah-men.

But jokes apart, I am curious to know how they get to stare at your armpits? Do you walk around with your arms in the air, ballerina style?

Why not try some shocking fluorescent paint right there? If not anything, they will think you’re nutty and leave you alone.

Dr Know’s Gyaanology: A good way to handle this (assuming it gets too close for comfort) is to place the spraying end of one of those tiny water guns under your arm. Stare and get sprayed..!

You can add some tadka to it as well, with some black pepper or the diabolic paprika powder. Then you can be sure that it’s fine doing your ballerina thing; Dance baby dance..

Ok, so let it flow darlings. You’re getting there, but these ain’t hot enough yet for Dr Know! See you soon babies, mwah mwah. Have a chilled out weekend and don’t drink more than a couple!!

Mail your questions for Dr Know at editorial@pune365.com

Illustration: Suraj Lokare