Caution: This article is being issued in public interest and may contain content that is highly disturbing and/or capable of causing acute psychological trauma. Weak minded readers are cautioned not to proceed further.
Social service runs in my blood stream and hence I had to sit up and take notice when some of my friends slipped into a transient coma hearing the news of the #demonetisation. This is serious I was told, within a few minutes of the announcement.
The next few minutes found these voices getting feeble by the second and I could almost hear the thud of their syncope. They tried describing the humungous black cloud that has them enveloped; And here I was, standing in a evidently never-ending queue of irate customers at a #pisoli ATM to withdraw a few 100s, and my buddies were collapsing by the dozen.
The irony of life in Pisoli.
Considering my ambition is to make it big in politics, I thought it apt to be of service to the citizens with immediate effect. The list that follows is a major step in this direction.
Ladies and Gentleman, Keep those black and blue bundles safe; The solution is now open source on #Pune365:
1.Weigh & Barter : Carefully weigh all those bundles and jot down their cumulative weight. Take the sacks to the nearest Big Bazaar outlet and barter them with shopping vouchers. They take old papers and will provide you a fixed amount in vouchers per kilogram of weight. Please make sure the weight matches. A marginal difference is acceptable under standard weights and measures. Please do not hold on to the sack for beyond a few minutes to avoid any emotional impact on handing over.
2. Beer & Wine : Liquor outlets are currently accepting denominations of 500 and 1000 for a limited period. They will however not return any small change. Proceed to the nearest outlet and ask them to show you liquor is priced in multiples of 500/1000. You will be happy to see that there are several premium brands with rates such. Ask them to pack their entire stock and deliver it to you. Once this is done, you may proceed to set up your own liquor mart or operate an unlicensed one by throwing a party every night for the entire society. You will earn tremendous goodwill with this act of kindness. Please do remember to mail us an invitation with season passes attached. May God bless you always.
3. E-Commerce : Meet the supply chain folks at Amazon, Flipkart etc and assure them of abundant good quality packaging material. Important to mention here that this is excellent material for special occasion gift wrap and will be highly favoured by the online community. Suggest ad copy as well e.g. “ Now gift exquisite plum cakes specially wrapped in 100,000 note packs. A unique initiative from Amazon India”. This will seal the deal.
4. Monopoly-India : Orient your children with real life money handling. Replace the monopoly 500 and 1000 denominations with the real thing. Teach them buying and selling. The moment they get smart and extra rich, just withdraw the notes. This will then make them realise the importance of paying taxes for all the wealth. Amen.
5. Pet Comfort : Dogs and cats are much family members and you have always wanted to give the family the best. Line empty cartons with equally-sized wads of notes. 1000 denomination is ideally suited for this. The resultant note bed/ note sand box would be exceedingly comfortable for the pet. You can also proudly proclaim on FB that your cat’s bed is the most expensive bed in the world. Frequent changing is recommended to keep base of carton clean and fresh. Meow to that.
6. Rocket-Rocket : Staff motivation and stress relief and important skills in leadership excellence today. Introduce Origami in your workplace and encourage note rockets being made en masse. This can be followed with launch competitions including ‘whose rocket travels furthest’ . Gravity will do its job and bring down these rockets quite mercilessly. This will orient all staff on the feeling of a failed space mission. A1000 crashing rocket will be agonising to watch. Now imagine a satellite mission. Suddenly you will sympathises with space scientists and the Government.
7. Housekeeping : There are several uses for papers in good housekeeping practice. Distribute glued note sheets to neighbours, colleagues, maids, dogs, cats and other important members of your society. They can use this to line cupboards, drawers etc. This is particularly appreciated by many who always wanted to have money stashed in their cupboards and secret drawers. This would be a very psychologically rewarding experience. I can imagine how nice my office drawer would look with a 100,000 paper liner.
8. Stationery : Request your printer, neighbourhood stationery store to custom make note envelopes in different sizes. You can classify them according to total value of notes pasted. Hence a 50,000 would translate to an A4 size etc. This can be then made in bulk and sold in lots of 50 and100. ‘Buy 50,00,000 worth envelopes for 479.00 only’. This would also be appreciated as high security envelopes that only a select few would own. Remember every stack of envelopes will need 3 crore+. Please refrain from getting these made if you are not in the ‘big fish’ segment.
9. Tea & Coffee : Have the notes converted to paper cups. 500 note cups are ideal. 1000 cups may be used at select locations only. These cups can be packed in lots of 100 and bartered for chai with the office chaiwala. They will provide your office with free tea and coffee for months together based on the pre-decided barter value. This method is particularly useful for the emotional kind, as this will ensure you see the precious notes every day with hot sugary chai in it. Very satisfying beverage to appeal to multiple senses.
10. Builder-Builder : This mentally stimulating exercise can be attempted both at home and at work. Stack the 500 and 1000 notes in equally-sized bundles in front of you. Please ensure the table is clean and your chair is ideally placed to enable both hands rest on the bundles. Now build bundle-houses carefully. Please ensure weight of walls are well-balanced for stability and durability. Keeping in mind your interest in real estate, these note bundle-houses can be built floor by floor. Once the skyscraper ‘work of art’ is ready, bring in your table fan and switch it on. Now sit back and watch the walls collapse in front of you…
Welcome to #PM Modi and #Demonetisation.
Pay your taxes and sleep well; Issued in public interest by #Pune365
Jd also consults in Consumer Neuroscience and Neuromarketing, both of which are integral to his brand interventions.
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