Surviving The Return Of The Apes

Hairy Men
Image used for representation only

Whether we like it or not, it must be understood that we are the direct descendants of that hairy creature called the ape. You may look at your handsome, clean-shaven, finely chiselled features and wonder – was I really an ape?

Well you were. Charles Darwin, Thomas Henry Huxley and Richard Owen burned the midnight oil to come up with their theories of how man evolved from ape to human being.

There is no dispute there unless you happen to be a minister in the government.

That settled, let us cast our minds to those human beings who developed as homo-sapiens but still retained a trait of their ancestry.

God certainly had a day off when he developed these hairy men who abound aplenty on Planet Earth.

Now being hairy has a few advantages. It appeals to certain sections of the opposite sex who prefer bears to body beautiful. There is certainly a caveman kind of aura about them and women expect these chaps to knock them on the head with a club and carry them away into the blue yonder.

But coming back to the point of the story, these hairy creatures are happy during the monsoon and winter seasons, but completely distraught in summer.

Spare a thought for these humans. With hair at every possible place, they sweat like a man caught in a sauna. They can’t help it. And if they sweat, they stink and if they stink they are a walking sewer and so on and so forth.

No sweat, then. Here are some tips which can help these species to overcome the summertime blues:

Bathe: Most important part of the day. Bathe before stepping out, bathe after coming in and continue the process as many times as possible.

Perfume/After Shave: Use profusely even at the cost of smelling like a perfume factory. Let people say what they want. The smell of Fogg or Calvin Kline or whatever is better than the sewer.

Powder: Please remember that it is not feminine to use powder and it won’t hurt your caveman instincts. And it’s not for the face silly but your hair infested body.

Armpit Action: Don’t forget the armpits they are a great source of secretion and use of powder will stem the flow a bit.

Clothes: Ask wife or girlfriend. Or even mother knows best. They will decide. But under no circumstances wear black or brown shirts. Else you will become a walking cooking range and others can fry eggs on your chest. Never repeat shirts unless it has gone through the washing machine.

Socks: Buy 14 pairs of socks, to be used twice a day. Those tufts of hair on your feet are potentially a major source of smell.

Shoes: Also a social embarrassment if not aired properly. Advisable to keep two pairs to be used alternately.

Health: You are well insulated for winter but not the summer. Take good precautions as prescribed above and you may survive summer and come out with your life and reputation intact.

Panic Station: Go to the supermarket, buy a razor preferably the old-fashioned kind, apply lather slowly and smoothly and just shave. You may look like a gargoyle but that is the risk you take. And if you do have the body beautiful without the foliage then do a shirtless Salman Khan and live happily ever after.