Weddings and birthdays juxtaposed with medical issues and work have turned this Pune visit into an extended and surreal trip for me. I feel like walking around with a sign saying, “Yes I am still here”, given the number of people expressing surprise at my continued presence in Pune.
While I miss New York and cannot wait to return, another part of me is heaving a sigh of relief at having skipped the worst part of winter.
Someone raised an interesting question about my thoughts on the sanctity of marriage given the number of weddings I have attended in the last month. The question had me flummoxed.
After all that celebrating, I realized I had not actually witnessed any of the wedding ceremonies. I missed one wedding because I sprained my ankle but in any case, I was only planning to attend the sangeet since I was told it would be the ‘more fun’ part of the wedding festivities.
At another wedding, I was not invited to the actual ceremony, which was for close friends and family. Instead I was invited for the pre and post masti and fun events. The third wedding was an inter-racial marriage and the couple were already married earlier in court.
The actual festivities were just about celebrating their marriage with a few ‘naam ke vaaste’ rituals that were more symbolic. At the final wedding I attended, I was actually there for the wedding but as the ceremony was being conducted, lunch was served and most of us were either doing ‘pet puja’ or catching up with other guests. No one, apart from the family, actually sat and watched the ceremony. My friend’s question made me wonder how much importance is actually given to the marriage rites.
There is a lot of significance to each ritual associated with our weddings but unless it is our own wedding or a sibling or child’s wedding, we do not really pay attention to the actual rituals. It is quite contrary to Indian weddings in the US. Maybe because numbers are limited, US weddings have a more intimate setting. Lunch or dinner is only served after the ceremony is over so people perforce have to sit through the ceremony.
The priests conducting the marriage actually explain each ritual step by step making all the guests invested in the actual proceedings. In India, we have a lackadaisical approach. Marriages are a social occasion where people checkout what everyone is wearing, prospective brides and grooms are given the once over and in India today, it seems to be a case of everyone trying to outdo the other to have the most extravagant marriage possible.
Given the brouhaha created by an MP recently on the indecent amount of money spent on weddings, there may be a case here. Are our weddings only meant to be a show of monetary strength? Do we actually understand and follow the rituals and understand the commitment being made?
As someone who is divorced, I am ambivalent about marriage. In any case, marriage was a creation of a male society trying to ensure the passing of property to flesh and blood, a relationship which could only be guaranteed by a monogamous woman in a marriage situation. The world has changed now. In my opinion, the sanctity of marriage is slowly being eroded. People no longer need to be married to show commitment and the law protects children born out of wedlock. That ring on the finger or the mangalsutra around the neck is no longer a must. The need for marriage becomes a moot point. Call me cynical but while I do feel happy for the couples getting married, I cannot help a feeling of disconnect.
Marriage is not a bed of roses and not many people realize the hard work associated with trying to maintain the relationship. How many young people are counselled about marriage and the whys and whats about the institution? Why do they get married? Is it because they are raised to believe it is a natural progression in the ritual of growing up? Is it because they are madly in lust? What do they expect from a marriage? In India unfortunately, women are still raised to believe in the concept of ‘doing their duty’, whether as a daughter, daughter-in-law, wife or mother.
This means many women continue staying in unhappy marriages despite having an out. In the old days, marriages were a way of ensuring property stayed with bloodlines. It was a coming together of families rather than individuals. The concept has slowly changed and families are no longer the consideration, instead it is more about the individuals. It makes me wonder if a time will come when marriages will one day be erased from society.
Marriage and the related extravagance was not even a consideration at an exhibit I saw at the Sadhu Vaswani mission. Sadhu Vaswani refused to marry and the entire latter part of his life was dedicated to being a ‘fakir’ as well as trying to ensure he could do as much as he could to help the needy. I came away totally impressed by his humility and desire to give back, that constituted the core of his existence.
The exhibit itself is a technological marvel. It takes an hour and a half and is totally worth seeing. I could not believe I was in Pune. It is the kind of exhibition I would expect to see at a museum in the US, Germany, Japan or other such countries. Twenty national and international architects and designers came together to create the entire show that took ten years to complete.
It is a benchmark and something other museums in India should emulate. If only some of the money spent on extravagant weddings could be channeled into maintaining our heritage. For starters, I could imagine Aga Khan museum in Pune getting a make-over highlighting Gandhiji’s life and the independence movement.
Highlighted reminds me of the gaffe made at the recent Oscar ceremony. No one could have said it better than the Amul advertisement hoarding, ‘Makhan la la, sunlight ho ya moonlight’. Trust Amul to make the point in its inimitable way.
As for me, I continue this surreal journey but hope my next piece is from my Brooklyn studio. And the weather has also become more to my liking
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