500 Metres To Cold-Turkey


Mindful Levitation I understand, is being widely experimented with, post my ready reckoner on its efficacy in today’s disruptive environment. I have however been informed that the Anopheles breed isn’t particularly happy with my guide to keeping them at bay.

I sympathise with them for their severe loss of nutrition but stick to my statement. I am an ethical journalist and believe in exposing the facts irrespective of it being human, or entomological in nature.

And the point here, is really about my belief in the truth and ‘hard facts’ and since I know  that you want to know, I shall present some very hard facts for you to analyse and arrive at your own conclusion..

Ladies and Gentleman I know how difficult this is for you to accept, but there is little option and I have no other recourse but to state the facts here. It’s about ethics and morals and such exalted virtues. Believe me, the end is near.

Nostradamus predicted this but no one believed him.

What people didn’t realise, was that he was referring to the larger and more significant issue of being located within 500 metres of a highway. Now it doesn’t matter if you live within this radius or out of it, as the real point here, is about getting your dose of #mindfullevitation and in the comfort of your neighbourhood watering hole.

Absence or abstinence from such induced pleasures may lead to serious Mental disturbances that may include:

# The inability to understand the world at large, experiencing enlightenment at basic facts i.e. India gained independence in 1947

Lack of understanding of the fact that man was intended to get intoxicated.

# Belief in the devil and such supernatural matters of consequence

# Impaired cognitive function resulting in every glass of lime juice beginning to resemble a Mojito

Physical concerns may also be experienced and are likely to include:

# Displaying Unintended cavorted facial expressions to strangers.

# Dancing on one leg ( considered a serious cold turkey disorder ) in public.

# Holding an empty glass and signing outside the bathroom

As is evident my readers, this is a matter of great concern and can affect millions across the country. Our research cell informs me that this epidemic of sorts has already started taking it’s toll and such behaviour is already being noticed in various districts of Maharashtra among other states.

I am given to understand that in states like Kerala and Tamil Nadu, the symptoms exhibited are most disturbing and even vehicular traffic movement is affected. Long queues are being witnessed at the few liquor outlets; queues that span across two towns. Now this is a major issue for the police force who work under jurisdictional limits and thus the concern for law abiding citizens.

But facts are facts and this is what quality journalism is about. We must know !

And on the other side of the fence is the poor restaurateur who was ready to go for his summer vacation but is now suffering from penury, as his cash flow is now inversely proportional to his proximity to the highway. Ridiculous as it may sound, there is mayhem all around. Restaurant occupancy has dropped by 60% and more in some cases.

And we gloat about how we are encouraging entrepreneurship while strangling them with such regimen.

I respect our learned courts but there is a larger picture here. I can tell you with conviction that people who wish to drink on the highway, or while travelling, are desperate enough to carry their own stock with them. No 500 metre regulation can prevent them from buying the stuff and then getting onto the highway. This is the hard fact that we must know.

If prohibition is the intention across the country, I can tell you that India would end up being the only country in the world to be free of tourists. Not one tourist will come here, bereft of these basic amenities that every country provides to them. My friends in the tourism industry in Kerala were giving me details of how their international bookings have come down by over 40%, thanks to these archaic policies and government regulations.

God’s own Country will soon become a thing of the past; tender coconut water cant fuel tourism beyond a point and this must be understood by our law makers.

But the real point here is the cold turkey and how it is centred around 500 metres and beyond. Don’t fall a prey to the physics of the matter.

Distance is a state of mind and it can be surpassed by the introduction of certain basic facilities at your place of residence. This may be sensible and in the best interest of the family and others around you considering the varied consequences of adhering to the law of radius.

Forget the Geometry, just #levitate damnit !



#All views expressed in this column are the authors. Pune365.com does not encourage the consumption of alcohol and tobacco that are injurious to health. 

Jaisurya Das

Jaisurya Das

The industry affectionately calls him a Marketing Maverick; Known to be brutally candid with his writing as much as everything else, Jd is a much respected media and brand commentator whose prolific writing sees no boundaries.

Jd also consults in Consumer Neuroscience and Neuromarketing, both of which are integral to his brand interventions.
Jaisurya Das